


There’s a thousand things I’ve wanted to say but I’ve never been brave

by storiesthatmakeus



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Fluff, Heartbreak, Honest Conversations, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Of course he will!, Regret, Reunions, Will Aaron get his man back?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 04:40:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14324784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesthatmakeus/pseuds/storiesthatmakeus
Summary: Set on Valentine's Day and afterwards. Robert rejects Aaron's offer to stay because he has a date of his own. Will this spur Aaron on to act on his feelings?





	There’s a thousand things I’ve wanted to say but I’ve never been brave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rachm91](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rachm91/gifts).



> So a lovely reader asked me to write an alternative take on the reunion where Robert has a date and this is what I came up with.
> 
> Obviously Maxine's ep was PERFECT, and this is just waffle mainly, but hope you still like it and are not disappointed because I feel a bit rusty at this writing lark! Enjoy xxx

Aaron hadn’t noticed how dark it had gotten; he’d been sat on the couch staring for what must be hours now, the freshly made pasta on the table the only evidence of the afternoon he had spent with his ex-husband cooking for his new boyfriend, before Alex had cancelled and Aaron had decided to pull at a wound that had never really healed. He shouldn’t have suggested that Robert stay and reap the rewards of his work, but his mouth opened before his brain engaged, and now he had a constant loop of Robert in another man’s arms playing in his head, threatening to gnaw away at his insides.

_‘’Alex can’t make it.’’ He sighed as he glanced at his phone._

_‘’Well, you can stick the food in the fridge, it’ll still be good tomorrow.’’_

_‘’Or we could just have it?’’ He suggested, looking between the pasta and Robert, glimmers of hope pulsing through his veins, which he pretended didn’t exist._

_‘’I can’t stay, I’m sorry.’’ There was a strange look on the other man’s face, as though he was trying not to say what he knew he needed to._

_‘’Oh yea of course, you have to get back to Seb.’’_

_‘’No it’s not…I have a date._ ’’

Aaron’s hands felt clammy in his lap, the punch in his gut hitting him over again, as though Robert was still stood in front of him saying those four little words over and over.

_‘’I have a date.’’_

It was Victoria’s doing, Robert explained briefly. Some chef she had meeting at a culinary course the week before with a perfect face and dreamy accent apparently.

_‘’Taking her anywhere nice?’’_

_‘’Him.’’ Robert clarified, and that hurt more than Aaron was willing to admit._

_‘’Course, sorry shouldn’t have assumed.’’_

_‘’Easily done.’’ Robert replied with more kindness than Aaron deserved. ‘’Some steakhouse in Hotten; his idea. Anyway, I best be off.’’_

With that he was gone, before Aaron could even thank him for rescuing his disastrous attempts at cooking. He had sunk down into the couch as soon as he heard the door close, and that’s where he’d been ever since, letting his mind go places he was too self-destructive to try and stop, all the while ignoring the messages of apology coming through on his phone from Alex.

It wasn’t until Liv barged through the door with a face like thunder that Aaron finally snapped out of his nightmare.

‘’Why are all the lights off?’’ She asked in her usual blunt manner. ‘’Oh god, you’ve actually done it, you’ve killed Alex and you’re in mourning.’’ She joked.

‘’Very funny.’’

‘’So where is lover boy then?’’

‘’Held up at work.’’ Aaron replied absentmindedly, his mind still on Robert.

‘’Is this your handiwork?’’ She asked in complete surprise as she ran her finger around the plate of pasta ready to be cooked. ‘’Gabby’s right, you are having a breakdown.’’

‘’Cheers.’’

‘’So is this up for grabs then, if Alex stood you up?’’

‘’Knock yourself out.’’ Aaron grumbled, picking up his jacket and heading out the door before Liv could utter another word.

He groaned as he entered the pub, completely forgetting about Charity’s lonely hearts club night. The place looked like Cupid had thrown up on it, hearts and balloons covering every square inch of the place, the sickly sweetness of the whole thing matched only by the level of discomfort on the punters’ faces as Charity tried to herd them like cattle into booths, deliberately choosing the most obviously mismatched couples for her own sick entertainment.

Ignoring her jibes about Alex not being surgically attached to him today of all days, he poured himself a pint and scarpered towards the backroom, knowing full well that Paddy had taken his mum out for some equally embarrassing night that Aaron refused to dwell on.

He stopped in his tracks halfway to the backroom, the sound of voices drifting out of the kitchen peaking his interest. He heard the unmistakable excitable yelping that could only be Victoria, and a softer, more reluctant voice that Aaron would know anywhere, anytime or in any lifetime.

Robert.

He edged as close as he could to the swinging double doors without leaving himself open to being seen or hit by one of them if someone emerged quickly.

‘’So, tell me everything.’’

‘’It was…nice.’’

‘’Nice? That’s it?’’

‘’It was a blind date Vic, on the worst possible day for blind dates. I think nice is a pretty spectacular achievement considering, don’t you?’’

Aaron couldn’t help the smirk escaping his lips. He could hear the sarcasm in Robert’s voice, and could just imagine how far his eyes were rolling back in his head as he fended off Victoria’s questions.

‘’He has a nice accent doesn’t he?’’

‘’Positively melodic.’’

‘’And he’s funny too, right?’’

‘’A regular Michael McIntyre.’’

‘’Are you ever gonna give me a straight answer?’’

‘’If you wanted a straight answer you should have set me up with a woman.’’

Aaron spluttered as he choked back a laugh at Robert’s response, and froze while he waited with trepidation to see if anyone had heard him, but Victoria continued her chatter without pausing for breath, so he was clearly safe.

‘’Ha ha very funny, seriously though Rob…?’’

‘’He was great, Vic.’’ Robert replied softly, and Aaron felt the hole in his chest that had opened in the Mill that afternoon grow larger. He could practically see the soft smile on Robert’s face as though he was in front of him, and his heart ached with want and sadness, all rolled into one Robert Sudgen shaped package. He held his breath when he heard Vic’s next question, desperately hoping that he’d get the answer he craved.

‘’And? Did you get a snog?’’

‘’Like I’d tell you if I did.’’

Aaron smiled again, remembering the time he said something very similar to his own little sister about Alex. His smile dropped. Alex. His boyfriend. The man who should be consuming his thoughts on the most romantic day of the year, instead of the man stood mere feet from him on the other side of the door. The stab of guilt prickling his stomach soon evaporated when he heard his own name enter the conversation.

‘’And what about Aaron?’’

‘’What about him?’’

Aaron couldn’t place the tone in Robert’s voice, but even he knew his ex-husband well enough to pick up on the slight shake in his tone as he asked the question.

‘’Are you gonna tell him about Mike?’’

‘’He already knows about the date, and beyond that, there’s not much to tell. Not yet anyway. He wouldn’t care though, he’s happy with Alex.’’

Aaron wanted to burst through the door at that very moment, tell him he did care, that he cared more than was fair to admit to either of them, but he remained frozen in his spot, his pint dripping condensation over his fingers as he continued to eavesdrop.

‘’But you are seeing him again, right?’’

‘’Yea, said he’d call me when he knows his shifts for next week.’’

‘’See Rob, am I a matchmaker or what?’’

‘’Proper little Cilla Black.’’

‘’Robert, I love you but you need to get some modern references, old man.’’

‘’My references are classics thank you. Anyway, I need to go and rescue Seb from Diane. See you in a bit.’’

‘’See ya later, and Rob?’’

‘’Yea?’’

‘’I like seeing you smile.’’

Aaron barely made it to the backroom before Robert walked past, his breathing heavy and his heart racing, the Robert Sugden effect in full force once more.

Aaron didn’t see Robert or Alex for the next three days, both of them swamped in their own lives, and he was relieved. He couldn’t face Robert and risk seeing him wearing a smile brought on by another man and he couldn’t bring himself to pretend with Alex, not when his head and heart were consumed with thoughts of someone else who wasn’t his to think about anymore.

He knew his luck wouldn’t last long though, because it never did for him, and of course his two worlds had to collide at once. He was nursing a pint at the bar as he waited for Alex to show up for a lunch date when the double doors to the pub swung open to his left and Vic and Diane entered, followed closely by Robert, Seb’s pram in front of him. As they took their seats in the booth closest to Aaron, Robert offered him a warm smile, which he was barely able to return, and his reaction caused a curious look to cross Robert’s face as he extracted Seb from his pram. Diane and Vic hadn’t seemed to notice his presence, chattering away as they played with Seb. Aaron tried not to look at them, but he couldn’t help his gaze from wandering towards the little family of four in the corner, an ache forming in his chest as he watched them.

‘’So, when’s the next date with Mr. Fit Irish Chef then?’’ Victoria asked with a glint in her eye, and Aaron waited with bated breath to hear Robert’s reply.

‘’Who’s this?’’ Diane quizzed.

‘’Only the most beautiful man I’ve laid eyes on in months.’’

Seb gurgled loudly at Victoria’s words, and the entire table laughed as his small but noticeable protest.

‘’Apart from you obviously my little man.’’ Vic cooed to her nephew. ‘’But your daddy hasn’t answered my question.’’

‘’I told you already, in a few days.’’

‘’But when exactly?’’

‘’Does it matter?’’

‘’Guess not.’’ Victoria conceded.

‘’And when do I get to meet this mystery man?’’ Diane prodded. ‘’When are you bringing him over for Sunday lunch?’’

‘’Never, if I get my way.’’ Robert replied dryly.

‘’Why not?’’ Victoria whined.

‘’Because maybe he’s too nice a person to be subjected to the village gossips.’’

‘’Or maybe you just want him all to yourself.’’ Vic countered in a singsong voice.

‘’Alright, calm down. It’s been one date; we’re not getting married.’’

Aaron’s head snapped up at the mention of marriage, and he couldn’t help but glance over, his eyes locking with Robert’s ever so briefly before the other man blushed slightly and looked away.

He felt his hands start to go clammy and his heart began to race. He had tried to avoid thinking about it; three days from now, the anniversary of the best day of his life would be here, and he couldn’t share it with the one person he wanted to. He ached to leave, but before he could reach a decision, he felt a hand on his back and he looked up to see Alex smiling down at him.

‘’Hey, sorry I’m a bit late.’’

‘’It’s fine.’’ Aaron replied, knowing there wasn’t even a hint of warmth in his voice, not when he was so focused on the booth next to him. ‘’How long have you got?’’

‘’Only an hour, but the good news is, I’ve got the whole day off on Wednesday, can be just you and me all day.’’

Aaron felt an irrational flare of anger towards his boyfriend for suggesting he think about someone other than his husband on his wedding anniversary. His stomach dropped instantly with a pang of guilt, and he knew then that there was nothing worth fighting for with Alex.

‘’So drink?’’ Alex asked brightly, not noticing the change in Aaron’s demeanour.

‘’No erm, let’s go outside instead.’’ Aaron said, rising from his seat and heading for the double doors without giving him the chance to protest.

‘’Aaron, is everything okay?’’ Alex asked as he hurried after him, watching him pace by the garden benches.

‘’No, it’s not.’’

‘’Talk to me then.’’ Alex offered warmly as he stroked Aaron’s arm, but the gesture made him feel cold, and he shrugged him off.

‘’I’m sorry Alex, I can’t do this anymore.’’

‘’What? What have I done?’’

‘’Nothing, it’s me, well it’s us, not you and me but – ‘’

‘’You and Robert?’’

‘’I’m sorry, nothing’s happened but – ‘’

‘’Save it Aaron.’’

‘’Alex, let me explain.’’

‘’Don’t bother. I hope he’s worth it.’’

Alex stalked off before Aaron could say anything else, and his last words echoed around his head.

_‘’I hope he’s worth it.’’_

And he was; that was the problem. He was worth it, all of it, and now Aaron might be too late.

 

 

‘’Hey, you okay?’’

The softly spoken words came behind him a few minutes later, and he turned to see Robert watching him with a concerned look on his face. He felt a shiver of warmth go through him, and he wanted Robert to just step forward and hug him and make everything okay again. He watched as Vic and Diane emerged from the pub, and Robert handed Seb’s pram over to his sister with an ‘’I’ll catch you up’ gesture.

‘’Want to talk about it?’’

‘’It’s nothing.’’

‘’Where’s Alex?’’

‘’Had to leave.’’ Aaron replied, unable to find the words to tell the other man the real reason.

‘’That’s a shame. You sure you’re alright?’’

‘’I’m fine.’’ Aaron braced himself. ‘’Actually Robert – ‘’

He was cut off by the sound of Robert’s phone ringing, and Robert glanced quickly at Aaron, who gestured for him to take it. Mouthing an apology, Robert answered the phone with a small smile, and Aaron caught the name Mike drip from his ex-husband’s lips. After a quick conversation, Robert hung up.

‘’Sorry, you were about to say?’’

Aaron saw the look on Robert’s face, the small sparkle in his eyes and the colour in his cheeks, and he ached. He ached with everything in him to tell Robert how he felt, but he was too late. He could see that clearly, and he had to fight with everything he had to stop the tears from prickling his eyes.

‘’Don’t worry about it.’’ Aaron said as lightly as he could. ‘’That the fit chef then?’’

‘’Yea, just arranging plans. Taking it slowly.’’

‘’Good, I’m happy for you Robert.’’

‘’Thanks Aaron.’’ Robert moved to leave, but stopped himself and turned back. ‘’You’re happy, right Aaron?’’

‘’Why do you ask?’’

‘’No reason, just…if there’s anything…you can always talk to me, you know that right?’’

‘’Course, best mates right?’’ Aaron managed to choke out, avoiding Robert’s real question.

‘’Right.’’ Robert replied with a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘’I’ll see you around.’’

Aaron watched Robert walk away from him, and he finally let the tears fall, slowly and not all at once, but they fell nonetheless as he saw his husband leave him for good.

 

 

Aaron woke up slowly, hoping beyond hope that he had slept through the entire day and he had missed it, but of course he was never that lucky. He reached over to grab his phone and immediately saw the date staring back at him, and resisted the urge to sling his phone across the room, hide under the covers and pretend the day wasn’t happening.

He managed to sneak out of the village, away from Paddy and his mum’s prying eyes as he scarpered to the scrap yard; the only place he could get some peace and quiet and distract himself. Yet, after taking apart three cars with increasing frustration, he realised he hadn’t been able to erase Robert from his mind once.

He risked a glance at his phone, texts from his mum and Liv questioning his whereabouts, and he knew he should be heading back, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back to the village, not today. Not when every hideaway he could think of was somehow connected to Robert and his sappy romantic gesture. It wasn’t just today though; Robert was in every nook and cranny of the village, soft kisses and whispered words, casual touches and massive declarations filling every space possible, and Aaron suddenly found it hard to breathe.

In a matter of minutes, he found himself driving, aimlessly indicating left and right until he emerged onto a small lane. He hadn’t intended to come here, but it was like his car had a mind of its own, and suddenly there it was, metres ahead.

The layby.

Their layby. Already playing host to a car, flashy and impractical and one of a kind in their tiny village hamlet, filled with its own memories of _RobertandAaron_ and _AaronandRobert_.

The Porsche.

Aaron slowed his own car to a crawl, debating whether or not to stop, but in the end he knew his battle was pointless, because there was no situation on this earth that would make him willingly drive past Robert today of all days on this road of all roads.

Pulling into the empty space in front of Robert’s car, he tried to calm the fluttering in his heart as he slowly unbuckled his belt and slid out of the car, breathing slowly in and out as he approached the other vehicle.

As he got closer, he noticed that Robert’s eyes seemed glazed over, not registering Aaron’s appearance until he had opened the passenger side door of the car.

‘’Hey.’’ He whispered softly as he slid into the car, filled with memories he had long since tried and failed to bury. They had kissed and made love in this car, made and broke promises to each other in the dark in this car, and Aaron didn’t realise how much he missed the feeling of being in this position with Robert until he felt the cool leather against his back.

‘’Aaron?’’ Robert managed to choke out, as if he was coming out of a dream. ‘’I thought I was imagining things.’’

‘’Nope, it’s real.’’ He answered softly. ‘’Robert, what are you doing out here?’’

‘’Would you believe me if I said I’d broken down?’’ Robert joked feebly.

‘’Didn’t believe ya the first time mate, and I know you even better now.’’

‘’Only one who knows me at all.’’ Robert sighed softly, and Aaron’s heart fluttered just a little as they locked eyes, before he felt forced to look away by the heat in Robert’s gaze. ‘’Sorry, ignore me.’’

‘’So,’’ Aaron tried again, clearing his throat. ‘’What are you really doing here?’’

‘’I have…supposed to have a date with Mike.’’

Aaron felt a clench in his chest at the name, but he tried to ignore it.

‘’Supposed to? I thought you and Mike were - ’’

‘’I couldn’t do it, not today. Couldn’t make myself go. Don’t know if I ever will to be honest.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’You know why.’’

‘’So, you came here instead?’’

‘’Seemed easier than the garage.’’ Robert admitted. ‘’The village, it’s too –‘’

‘’Too many memories. ‘’Aaron finished, and Robert nodded slowly. He looked out the window briefly, before plastering a smile on his face and turning back to face Aaron.

‘’So what brings you here? On your way to meet Alex?’’

‘’No we –‘’

‘’What?’’

‘’I broke up with him.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because he doesn’t come close.’’ Aaron admitted, and he felt a weight lift off his chest as he finally said the words aloud.

‘’To what?’’

‘’To you.’’

They sat in silence after Aaron’s admission, Robert refusing to meet his gaze. Aaron desperately wanted to reach out and touch him, but he didn’t want to scare him away, not when he looked on the brink of bolting from his own car.

‘’Robert, tell me what you’re thinking.’’

‘’That you need to leave.’’

‘’What? Why?’’

‘’Before you do something you regret.’’

‘’The only thing I’ll regret is walking away from you again.’’

‘’Aaron – ‘’

‘’Robert, look at me.’’

Robert twisted in his seat, and Aaron reached out without thinking as he saw a tear roll down the other man’s cheek, wiping it away before resting his thumb back on Robert’s face.

‘’Do you still want me?’’ Robert nodded slowly in response.

‘’But I ruin everything Aaron, I make everything worse.’’ He whispered.

‘’You’re wrong. You make everything better.’’ Aaron countered without missing a beat.

‘’Aaron don’t – ‘’ Robert protested as he tried to dislodge himself from Aaron’s touch, but he couldn’t tear himself away.

‘’No Robert, listen to me. ’’

Another tear rolled down Robert’s cheek, and it was matched by one rolling down Aaron’s but he ignored it.

‘’Robert, when I was struggling with Gordon, you made it better. When Liv was going off the rails, you made it better. When Adam left…’’ Aaron’s voice broke, but he ploughed on, determined to make Robert see the truth. ‘’Alex screwed up my birthday present, and you made it better.’’

‘’Aaron – ‘’

‘’You’re trying so hard to make Rebecca feel better, and Seb…you’re making sure he has the best life he can. You make waking up in the morning better, and you make me better…even now in this car that you still haven’t gotten rid of even though it’s completely impractical for a baby, just being here with you is making me feel better.’’

‘’Please…stop Aaron.’’ Robert begged, but Aaron ignored him.

‘’You think you’re this terrible person, but you’re not. You’ve just never had someone to love you like you love them, but you do now. I’m here Robert, please let me love you.’’

Robert’s eyes flickered all over Aaron as he tried to take in his declaration, and Aaron could see how unsure he was. Taking Robert’s hands slowly in his, he edged over the gearstick, until their foreheads were touching, but before he could press his lips to Robert’s, he felt a gush of air as the door opened, and an ache in his heart as Robert tore his hands away. Scrambling out of the car after him, he shivered as the memories of their first kiss came back to haunt him, and he was determined not to let Robert walk away again.

‘’Robert, don’t walk away.’’

‘’Just go home, please Aaron.’’ Robert pleaded, barely able to meet Aaron’s gaze as he hovered at a safe distance from him.

‘’No.’’

Aaron surprised himself with the conviction in his voice. But he wasn’t as surprised as Robert, whose head snapped up at the force in his voice.

‘’Three years, two months and seventeen days ago, you stood here in this very spot and you kissed me. Five minutes and one kiss was all it took for you to change my life back then, and you haven’t stopped changing it since. I’m not going anywhere. I’m in love with you Robert, and I want to be your husband again.’’

A heavy silence descended above them, and they just watched each other for what seemed like an eternity, Aaron desperate for Robert to speak, and Robert clearly waiting for Aaron to change his mind and walk away. He’d be waiting a long time, Aaron wanted to blurt out, but he kept his mouth shut until eventually it became too much to bear.

‘’Say something then.’’

‘’I think that’s the fastest maths you’ve ever done.’’ Robert eventually stuttered out, with the flickers of something resembling a smile on his face.

‘’Robert – ‘’

‘’You really want me to be your husband again?’’

Aaron nodded slowly, but surely.

‘’More than anything. And I want to spend my first wedding anniversary with my husband, and every anniversary after that.’’

‘’Until we’re eighty or summat, yea?’’

‘’At least.’’ Aaron smiled, tears in his eyes as Robert closed the gap between them. Aaron’s impatience got the better of him, and he reached out to grab the lapels of Robert’s leather jacket, pulling him so close that his warmth was radiating off him. Robert still looked unsure, so Aaron pulled him into a warm, comforting kiss, trying to pour as much love as he could into their embrace. He pulled away slowly, wiping the fresh tears from Robert’s cheeks as he did.

‘’You’ll come home with me then?’’

‘’Of course I will.’’ Robert whispered. ‘’Three years, two months and seventeen days ago you changed my life too Mr. Sugden. I love you so much.’’

Aaron pulled him into a deeper kiss, hugging him tightly as he did, until it felt like they were just one body. When they eventually pulled away, Aaron drove them both home, promising to send Dan to pick up Robert’s car. He wanted the feeling of bringing his husband back to their home, and as he drove them down the winding roads to the village, his fingers interlocked with Robert’s, he realised he wasn’t going home, he was already there.

Home wasn’t just four walls and a roof over his head.

Home was wherever Robert Sugden was.


End file.
